How herbs, essential oils, smoke ritual, and the cycles of nature can help us stay present to grief

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I have been talking for months about writing an article on grief and how herbs, essential oils, and smoke ritual can help ease it. I had it all laid out in my head, but I could never quite put pen to paper. Sometimes these things have to ripen until exactly the right moment for the idea to become tangible.

Grief comes in many forms. It is not only the physical loss of a loved one, but often a more metaphoric and harder-to-pinpoint emotion that arises from loss in other areas of our lives. I was going to talk about—and still will—how our grief is often unprocessed because we are not taught in our society how to honor the cycles of death and rebirth, the cycles present in every life form. Other cultures and many spiritual practices honor these more metaphorical cycles and transitions. While doing that does not make the loss of a loved one easier, it can help us understand how to process these emotions in our bodies and our souls.

And so I sit here writing this during a brief moment when my new puppy is finally giving me a little space. He is the new birth we decided to bring into our lives after the loss of our last soul dog in March. And I am not going to lie: I am exhausted. I am asking myself if I am crazy and what in the world I have done to myself.

I also bought a house a few weeks ago, and it makes me wonder if I added chaos to my life in order not to feel some things. Not to slow down long enough to feel the grief around my last dog, to grieve other personal things I need to let go of, to stop resisting and digging my heels in around certain disappointments, and to stop trying to change something that will not be changed—and just let go.

Perhaps the Universe has brought me this challenge so that I would in no way love all my previous pups any less. And it may take a little while for this one to root deeply into my heart. Or perhaps it is like something I realized when my son was first born: having a “baby” in the house forces you to remain absolutely present with the moment.

And that is the scary part.

Because being present means you cannot work your way out of your grief or your shadows. You cannot distract yourself by creating a giant to-do list. I have not looked at my to-do list in five days.

I am not suggesting that if you are grieving, you should run out and get a puppy. But I am inviting you to slow down and contemplate whether there is anything—or anyone—you are grieving that it may be time to do some work and reflection around.

If you are actively grieving a recent loss, understand that your emotions are going to change from moment to moment and show up in all different ways. I invite you to allow them in and express them out. If you need professional support, I highly encourage you to seek out a grief counselor.

Plants can help ground us, help us become present to our emotions, and allow those emotions to pass through our bodies. Movement and creative practices are also amazing ways to help us be with our grief. I cannot do much of either right now because of the constant attention this pup needs, so I am leaning heavily on my herbs and essential oils. Being outside in nature more is another gift this puppy is bringing me. Trust me, feet in the grass have been a lifesaver.

As mentioned, we can experience grief around many things, not just the physical death of a loved one. We may be grieving the loss of a relationship, a job, a home, or a part of ourselves that no longer fits but to which we were attached for a long time. Transitioning from one life stage or role to another, such as empty nesting, can bring about a deep sense of grief. I personally experienced anticipatory grief around that for a long time.

For some of us, there is grief over the state of the world and the environment in which we live. I personally believe we are all walking around with some unprocessed grief from COVID and other collective concerns. We never truly grieved as a society. Instead, we decided to divide further and argue. That in and of itself causes me grief. The reason why—or who is right and who is wrong—really becomes irrelevant.

Sometimes we grieve who we used to be, or who and what we never became. I know this can be hard to hear. But often disappointment can become grief when we do not delight in what we do have and who we truly are.

I believe we become exactly what we are meant to become when we work on self-awareness and knowing ourselves on a soul level. But that does not always make letting go of what we thought we should be or have any easier. We have to find ways to be grateful and honor who we actually are and the life we are living.

So What Do We Do With All of This?

And how can plants help?

As I mentioned, I believe in having a personal spiritual practice of some kind—whatever that means for you. Slowing down. Honoring something larger than yourself, even or maybe especially if that is nature. Nature is life and we are a part of nature not something outside of nature. Doing things to nurture yourself. Stopping long enough to listen to your intuition. Paying attention to the beauty around you. Movement. Grounding. Creativity, in whatever form that takes.

The plants help us become grounded and present enough to do those things. Having a conversation with the plants and asking them to help you in whatever way you need is something they are willing and able to do when you ask. As are the animals—except perhaps an 8-week-old puppy! Although he does bring joy when he is not being a land shark.

There are countless plants that can help with grief, but I do not want to overwhelm you. So I will share a few of my favorite plants that ground and soothe my heart, along with how I use them.

Rose (Rosa damascena)

Rose is my absolute favorite in times of grief that is creating stress through pent-up emotions. She is the Queen of Plants, a heart opener, and helps us feel safe releasing our tears. Her petals look like a heart opening, and she supports us in being vulnerable and strong at the same time.

I love Rose in all of her forms: drinking the petals in tea, adding them to a bath, creating an elixir with honey, and most especially applying a drop of Rose essential oil—diluted in a little carrier oil—over my heart center. It immediately brings whatever tears need to come, then leaves me feeling grounded and peaceful.

Because Rose can bring emotions forward quickly, choose a safe and quiet space in which to use her. If you need someone supportive there with you, please do so.

Frankincense (Boswellia carterii or B. sacra)

Frankincense is my go-to for end-of-life care and for caregivers. Long revered for this purpose and for accessing higher states of consciousness, it is one of my go-tos for both the early stages of grief and the lingering grief that appears out of nowhere.

Frankincense helps us process deep sadness and become grounded and present in our bodies. It calms a racing nervous system that simply does not know what to do with itself. It helps us connect to something larger than ourselves and find meaning in our sadness.

I mostly use Frankincense in essential oil form, either in a diffuser or sniffed from an inhaler. For a deeper ritual, Frankincense resin has been used for eons as a way to enter a more spiritually connected space. Place some salt or black sand in the bottom of an incense vessel, light an incense charcoal, and allow it to become an ember. Add a small nugget of resin. Let the smoke wave around you rather than deliberately inhaling it. Watch the patterns the smoke makes and allow yourself to become more grounded and present.

This is a lovely way to enter into a journaling or automatic writing practice. It is a fantastic method to connect to your ancestors and have a conversation with them. Remember, like the plants they are there for you too, you just have to ask. If you have asthma, respiratory sensitivity, pets, children, or limited ventilation, skip the smoke and work with the essential oil in a safer form.

Linden (Tilia spp.)

More than 500 years ago, the physician and alchemist Paracelsus popularized the Doctrine of Signatures in European herbalism—the idea that everything in nature that can support us may give us a sign leading us toward what it supports. Linden has heart-shaped leaves and is, indeed, a physical and emotional heart tonic.

It helps when our worry, stress, and anxiety over a loss have created muscular tension, and it can ease tension held in the cardiovascular system. Linden is a gentle plant, soothing and calming to the whole system when it feels as though the entire body is bracing. The flowers’ sweet aroma helps shift us toward a state of being glad for life and all that comes with it.

Our preferred way to work with Linden is as a tea whenever you are feeling the heaviness of life in your body.

Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis)

Oh, Lemon Balm—there is so much I can say about this plant! It is loved by most people who try it. A beautiful and gentle nervous system tonic, it helps lift us out of sadness and lighten our hearts while instilling a sense of peace and playfulness.

It is said that Lemon Balm helps bring out our inner child when “adulting” becomes too serious or when we have a tendency to take ourselves too seriously. Lemon Balm has been my ally while raising this puppy, helping me let go of my daily structure and call on the inner child who just allows me to play.

Lemon Balm may not be appropriate with some thyroid conditions or medications, so check with your healthcare professional and give us a call at the store if you would like to try it. Lemon Balm makes an amazing tea all by itself, and we also have a fabulous fresh plant tincture. It is wonderful to carry on the go for those moments when life is getting too serious and a sense of humor and play are needed.

Honoring the Cycles of Death and Rebirth

At the beginning of this article, I mentioned that many cultures and spiritual paths honor the cycles of death and rebirth on a regular basis. They are also known to honor grief in a more compassionate and sustained way. There is no “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” coming from the people around you.

Grief has no time limit. It comes up in many ways and is expressed through many emotions.

There is also a saying: “There is no grief without love.” I love that saying. Because if we did not love anyone or anything—or even the parts of ourselves we would rather not have—we would not have grief.

Grief is part of life, and many cultures and practices work with death and rebirth on a regular basis. In my personal practice, that happens by honoring the cycles of the Moon, the transitions of the seasons, and the cycles of life. At those times, I slow down and ask myself: What is ready to die, and how can I honor it and send it off with love? And then I ask: What am I making space to be born?

Buddhist traditions and other spiritual paths, as well as the Stoic practice of memento mori, contemplate death on a regular basis. This may seem morbid, but the truth is that when you engage in these practices and understand that everything is impermanent, you decide to live more fully and more aligned in the time you have.

Be Still My Heart

Linden and Lemon Balm are two of the five herbs in a formula I developed to Still the Heart—physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I created it for middle-aged adults who would like to maintain heart and vascular health, as well as for those seeking an elixir that helps us live from an open and loving heart toward ourselves and others. This elixir was prepared in sacred space, infused with love and soul, and intentions for inner healing and peace. It will be ready on September 1st but this one is being offered as a pre-order to be delivered when it is ready on the 1st. Go here to learn more about this special formula.